He loves the attention you lavish on him and he tries to reciprocate. Some women spend years orbiting a world of grief that is not their own.
He takes you to trendy restaurants and shows you off to his friends. Pure grief is not the only reason a widower won't commit.
I made that need known last weekend in a calm, rational way.
In your book, you said that if a guy isn’t seeing you more than once a week by the 3 months point, he probably isn’t interested in a serious relationship.
My question is this – does this apply to widowers as well or is it fair to give him a little more time and just get busy with other things so I don’t put pressure on him?
He says he has always taken it slow in dating and this is nothing new.
Next, something I know (and have stated repeatedly) about men – of all ages: We do what we want. Which means that even if many widowers throw themselves into new relationships because of their tremendous loneliness, THIS one seems to be functioning more like your basic super-successful middle-aged man. You can give him an extra-wide berth because he’s newly single, but be forewarned: a man who is newly single (and is keeping a little distance) is probably going to want to get a greater sampling of what’s available instead of diving right back into commitment.
If he were lonely and desperate to get married, I’d feel better about your chances, but he’s not.
But this is the norm for widowers –for one of two reasons: either the marriage itself wasn’t that healthy and he was immediately ready to move on, OR, like men of a certain age, he put everything had into his marriage and nothing into any other relationships. As such, you are presumably the first woman he’s been with for many years.
So when a woman survives her husband, she’s got a circle of friends from the neighborhood, from work, from her card game, from her book club, from her salsa classes. Regardless, he dictates the terms of the relationship based on HIS needs and schedule. To his credit, he’s taking things slow, to avoid diving into another serious relationship that he may end up regretting.
That signal comes only in the presence of patience, warmth, sympathy, physical responsiveness, and a disinclination to point out how damn long you've been waiting.